Březen 2015

Why is this a fukken DIARY

28. března 2015 v 20:02 | Taika |  Tiny invisible secrets
The thing is, I've got no fucking idea what to do with my life. At the moment, I don't feel like doing anything. There are no songs for me to fit my mood and ease this empty, dead feeling I've got inside me. It's filling me, welling up so much it looks like it'll overflow, this nothingness, this scary, vast abyss I'm being sucked into.
My inspiration's dead. Dead like last year's anime season, dead and stiff and buried deep in infertile soil. And even though I'm usually so good with words, right now, everything's so fucked up that I can't think of anything of at least average quality. I keep making typos and my whole body feels like it's going to fall limp any second, like the muscles that are helping me to sit straight are going to give in any second.
Everything that I've been trying to ignore up until now is getting to me. People are bothersome. I am, too, bothersome. I feel listless and yet, I feel so weirdly stirred up, my head's a mess and if I were to talk to anyone right now, nothing would come out, I would just stand with my mought gaping open and moving my lips silently like a fish.
I feel mute. I want to cry, I want to shout, I want to kick around and break stuff, I want to get loose and run through the fields and into the wild, get lost in the forest at night and find my way back home in the morning with my throat hoarse from crying and my hands, arms, feet and legs all slashed up because of thorny twigs and vines.
Because I want to feel happy. And if there's anything that could be called happiness, it's the feeling of knowing there's a place for me to return to, the feeling of having a safe sanctuary.
I'm failing. Falling apart and failing. I'm desperate to feel like a normal human being, but I can't. I'm scared and in pain, and even so, I feel so numb.
I want to run away. From myself.
There are people who love me. Wasting their love on me. On the unworthy, detestable me. Why? I don't want to have thier love. They're making me indebted to them. Bound to them. I'm scared.
And so I run.I run from them. From myself, too.
I just want to be free of all of this.